Monty Python's Area 55 — 5F-X Tropical Timber Trade — Winterkälte Mothers Against Noise — Skinjob Powernoise — MANDRO1D Dead Fucking Desire — Electronic Substance Abuse Syncrotron — Geistform Coreline Builds Better Robots [featuring the Easingwold School junior choir] — Coreline BBB — How to Destroy Angels Capital G — Nine Inch Nails Breathe in the Monochrome — Concrete Lung Spiders — System of a Down Blue — The Birthday Massacre Swamped — Lacuna Coil My Heart is Broken — Evanescence

Chrome — VNV Nation Lik Tears in Rain — Covenant Starsign — Apoptygma Berzerk Closer — Nine Inch Nails Rock is Dead — Marilyn Manson Mein Herz Brennt — Rammstein Tribute — Tenacious D Spaceman — Babylon Zoo Poison — Alice Cooper White Wedding — Billy Idol Temple of Love — Sisters of Mercy Only Happy When it Rains — Garbage Count to Evil — MANDRO1D Take a Chance on Me — Erasure

It was bad enough when, seven years ago (and then reprised during the DVD and TV releases), the film remake of Pride and Prejudice and subsequent, brief, mainstream interest in Jane Austen novels seemed to turn a sizeable proportion of the heterosexual dating scene into clones: “looking for my mr darcy” their profiles would proclaim.

It's 2012 and the bestselling “mommy porn” of 50 Shades of Grey has become the source of inspiration for those “WLTM” imaginations.

Yesterday, and only for about 35 seconds, I tried one of the more “heteronormative” Internet dating sites. I gave up after such a short dalliance because I remembered the serious impedance mismatch I have with the attitude of these sites as a whole. Yes, I am tarring a lot of people with the same brush and potentially writing off many “nice people”, but I am time-poor — and I lack the energy to wade through fifty pages of grade-D personal profiles.

But what got my back up was seeing so many ladies “looking for my mr grey.”

First, a disclaimer: I have not read all three 50SoG books cover to cover. I have read enough of the first book that I can see my views on it are quite closely aligned with those of many feminist writers, bloggers, and reviewers. I am not here to critique the books — that has been done to death — but I do need to set a little context. So if you didn't already know, Christian Grey is:

  • athletic
  • handsome (so handsome the protagonist loses the ability to anything but "flush")
  • a billionaire (because a millionaire isn't good enough these days)
  • mysogynistic
  • mid-to-late twenty-something years old
  • well endowed and talented (as judged by the most sexually naïve of virgins)
  • a pilot
  • cruel
  • fluent in a foreign language
  • a philanthropist
  • incredibly musically talented

Simply put, he is every fifteen-year-old “I'm a princess” girl's dream rolled into one impossible, antifeminist package. It becomes increasingly clear in the books that Ana cannot actually have the relationship that she wants to with this man. His control of her personal life — through means psychological, financial, or downright contrived — is mental abuse. His behaviour towards her is (at best) borderline physical abuse. All the while she continues with the relationship because she is convinced that if she pleases him then maybe she'll be able to change the dynamic and start to get what she wants. I'm not going to reiterate what so many others have said about the dangers this type of relationship could present. Instead I shall offer my perspective on how I read a 50SoG reference in a dating profile.

Christian Grey is — at best — a teenage girl's fantasy. The relationship they have is dangerous, where insecurities abound. The sex they have is unrealistic, and the book's writing makes it all rather repetitive and boring.

Ladies: before you start to type, try to perform this little exercise. Flip the genders around. Think of a pop-culture teenage boy fantasy. And then consider, would you date the guy whose profile began:

looking for my jenna jameson.”

  • The Crüxshadows — Cassandra (Razed in Black remix)
  • VNV Nation — Chrome
  • Covenant — Call the Ships to Port
  • Apoptygma Berzerk — Love Never Dies (part 1)
  • Icon of Coil — Regret
  • Assemblage 23 — Disappoint
  • [:SITD:] — ROT V1.0
  • Noisuf-X — Orgasm
  • Mesh — Only Better
  • De/Vision — Heart-Shaped Tumor
  • Paradise Lost — Say Just Words
  • Lacuna Coil — Enjoy the Silence
  • Rammstein — Stripped
  • Depeche Mode — Transmission
  • Visage — Fade to Grey

We Want Revolution — Covenant Regret — Assemblage 23 ® Shine On — Apoptygma Berzerk Dark Angel — VNV Nation ® Desire — Dreams Divide Border (club edit) — Pride and Fall ® Feuer Frei! — Rammstein We're In This Together — Nine Inch Nails Imaginary — Evanescence Say Just Words — Paradise Lost My Girlfriend's Girlfriend — Type O-Negative Temple of Love — Sisters of Mercy Frozen — Nevergreen ®

We Want Revolution — Covenant Regret — Assemblage 23 ® Shine On — Apoptygma Berzerk Dark Angel — VNV Nation ® Desire — Dreams Divide Border (club edit) — Pride and Fall ® Feuer Frei! — Rammstein We’re In This Together — Nine Inch Nails Imaginary — Evanescence Say Just Words — Paradise Lost My Girlfriend’s Girlfriend — Type O-Negative Temple of Love — Sisters of Mercy Frozen — Nevergreen ®

Evanescence — Wake Me Up Inside (2002 demo) Curve — Perish Skinny Puppy — Tainted Love Placebo — Come Home Paradise Lost — So Much is Lost Rotersand — One Level Down Röyksopp — What Else is There? (radio edit) Covenant — The Beauty and the Grace Kylie Minogue — Confide in Me Garbage — The World is Not Enough (original version) Madonna — Frozen Lacuna Coil — Enjoy the Silence Bolshoi — A Way The Chameleons — Swamp Thing

The Christmas ritual again; signed by the 2011 key and my master key.

pub   2048R/D9FCC8AB 2011-12-28 [expires: 2013-02-14]
      Key fingerprint = 7567 DFA1 4755 7E65 B594  71CB B89E 4066 D9FC C8AB
uid                  Marek Isalski (2012 General Use)
sub   2048R/C49721BA 2011-12-28 [expires: 2013-02-14]

Here follows the key:

Version: GnuPG/MacGPG2 v2.0.17 (Darwin)

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5F-X — NO RFID CHIPS! Binary Park &mdash Running Covenant — Dynamo Clock VNV Nation — Honour Noisuf-X — Please Hang Up Huoratron — $$ Troopers Nine Inch Nails — The Hand That Feeds Rammstein — Stripped Rico — Psycho Killer Type O-Negative — Love You To Death